Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I really don't want to sound like a jerk, but...

How many different ways can I say this? 

No, wait, first let me say this.  I really don’t want to come across as a jerk.  I really don’t.  But there are a few things clearly stated on my website and yet folks don’t seem to read them, so allow me to reiterate and expand here: 

  1. We do not accept email queries.  None, zip, zero, nada, nichts, zilch.  It doesn’t matter if you live overseas or on the Moon.  Sorry.  That said, let’s say you live in Australia.  Send me a query and include a current email address.  We will respond by email if you live outside of the US.  But only if you live outside of the US.  If you live inside the US, you have to send a self-addressed, stamped envelope.  Otherwise you will never hear from us.  I could go into our careful thinking and explanation for this, but what’s the point?  We don’t take email queries and we don’t respond by email other than to folks outside of the US.
  2. We can’t tell you if we got your materials.  If we ask for a submission from you, then please use Delivery Confirmation from the US Postal Service or get a tracking number from UPS or use a very intelligent carrier pigeon.  But we cannot respond to emails or letters asking us to confirm delivery.  It just takes too long to look it up and respond.  If there was another way, I’d let you know.  How about you put a check for $1 in your submission and when it clears, you’ll know I got your materials?  How’s that for cheap confirmation?  I’m kidding.  Please don’t do that.  I suddenly imagine myself rolling in $1 checks and honestly the effort to drive to the bank and deposit them is too time-consuming to bother with this.  $100 checks, on the other hand....
  3. I’m sorry if we are taking too long, but we do offer Express Review.  For those of you who have not queried us and heard about this service, never mind.  But for those who have queried us and been asked for more material, but haven’t heard back and think we are taking too long, this is why we offer Express Review.
  4. Just because I said on my blog that the interns were gone and it appears there are still some things logged in that I know were rejected does not mean we lost anything.  What it means is that we rejected some things and didn’t log them out.  Hence, it looks like we have more on-hand than we do.  Not like we lost anything.  Please do not resubmit, do not send us a letter or email or carrier pigeon.  We simply cannot confirm whether or not we still have something at this time.  In the near future, we’ll reconcile the log with what we actually have and then we’ll be able to provide a date which will let you determine if we still have your material. 

Thank you! 

Z
(who really, really, doesn’t want to look like a jerk, but it happens)

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